If I am like what I suspect the majority of women are regarding marriage, I am an idealist. I had an idea of what I thought that things should/were going to be like. These ideas were based on takeaways from previous experiences good and bad, family and romantic, or from books or movies, and of coarse shaped by the actual live human I married. I did not think that things were going to be rainbows and unicorns, yacht sailing and wine on bearskin rugs. But I had high hopes.
I was not expecting that seven years in I would the loneliest I had ever been even though I had a partner and two children. But life is funny like that, it shows you that when you think you have an idea of what's what you actually have no fucking idea at all. So what to do?
I am trying to figure a way to redefine my beliefs. I feel no lack of deep love for my partner yet there are many moments where the only place I see light is be the farthest away possible. I have two children who deserve the deepest most thorough thinking through on all of these topics and so I am trying to find a measure with which I can gauge the situation as openly and realistically as possible.
Questions I ask myself probably daily, if not several times a day:
Is this really unbearable or are you crazy?
Can't you just get over it for a while and play nice to see if things shake out?
How long do you wait to see if things shake out?
Isn't part of being married years of turmoil balanced by years of bliss? Then maybe you need this time so it can swing back the other way?
You need need more therapy than you are getting. You are doing just fine, just don't stop.
If we can make it through this, things would be amazing forever, I just know it.
If we can find our way here, we will be protected from so many other challenges that will likely come. This is a test of our mettle and strength as a family, if we can do this I can see my way through everything else.
Perhaps this is your biggest test yet to see what you are really made of and what really counts, really getting to the meat of things and shucking all the petty bullshit, you big whiner.
But I am sooooooo tired and mentally frayed I don't think I have it in me. Then this is the time you need to power up the most you ever have then.
Wow, quite the therapy session right there huh? Writing seems to answer my own questions, so I think I will just keep doing it and see where it gets me. I'll keep you posted. Get it? Keep you posted........
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Love lessons?
Who knew having children would sometimes make cause for old wounds to reopen. Having children, one girl, one boy, has forced me to look back at many times in my life and what to teach them when they are faced with similar life experiences. My instinct is to protect my daughter from heartache by teaching her to have a strong sense of self and her own path. But I recently wondered if my own gut wrenching and devastating heartache didn't actually improve my judgment and knowledge about myself after the fact?
Should I encourage my son to play the field so he gets it out of his system hoping he has learned to date responsibly and not purposely hurt anyone? eNcourage him to date aplenty so that when he meets the one who shines the brightest he will understand why she is separate from the pack. Or should he find out that women are different creatures and may greatly misunderstand his motives no matter how sincere. By doing this he will definitely be hurting the feelings of others.
Really these things Are none of my business by the time they start happening, but I do feel responsible for the years leading up to it.
How to raise a child without the kind of heartbreak that takes up too much room on the life road? Or does this probability hasten the onset of personal awareness once the seeming never ending ache appeases?
All perhaps I should do is continue to
Show examples of how to treat people in general, with empathy and kindness, and trust unless broken. It is my job as parent to to be suspect of too nice boys or o rely affectionate girls. No matter what I might offer them, their own hearts and impulses will prevail over anything I have to offer. And I will he home to lend an ear, a smile, and a promise that no matter how awful it is now it will teach you things only heartbreaks can teach you.
Should I encourage my son to play the field so he gets it out of his system hoping he has learned to date responsibly and not purposely hurt anyone? eNcourage him to date aplenty so that when he meets the one who shines the brightest he will understand why she is separate from the pack. Or should he find out that women are different creatures and may greatly misunderstand his motives no matter how sincere. By doing this he will definitely be hurting the feelings of others.
Really these things Are none of my business by the time they start happening, but I do feel responsible for the years leading up to it.
How to raise a child without the kind of heartbreak that takes up too much room on the life road? Or does this probability hasten the onset of personal awareness once the seeming never ending ache appeases?
All perhaps I should do is continue to
Show examples of how to treat people in general, with empathy and kindness, and trust unless broken. It is my job as parent to to be suspect of too nice boys or o rely affectionate girls. No matter what I might offer them, their own hearts and impulses will prevail over anything I have to offer. And I will he home to lend an ear, a smile, and a promise that no matter how awful it is now it will teach you things only heartbreaks can teach you.
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