New Ways of Loving

If I am like what I suspect the majority of women are regarding marriage, I am an idealist.  I had an idea of what I thought that things should/were going to be like.  These ideas were based on takeaways from previous experiences good and bad, family and romantic, or from books or movies, and of coarse shaped by the actual live human I married.  I did not think that things were going to be rainbows and unicorns, yacht sailing and wine on bearskin rugs.  But I had high hopes.
I was not expecting that seven years in I would the loneliest I had ever been even though I had a partner and two children.  But life is funny like that, it shows you that when you think you have an idea of what's what you actually have no fucking idea at all.  So what to do?
I am trying to figure a way to redefine my beliefs.  I feel no lack of deep love for my partner yet there are many moments where the only place I see light is be the farthest away possible.  I have two children who deserve the deepest most thorough thinking through on all of these topics and so I am trying to find  a measure with which I can gauge the situation as openly and realistically as possible.
Questions I ask myself probably daily, if not several times a day:

Is this really unbearable or are you crazy?
Can't you just get over it for a while and play nice to see if things shake out?
How long do you wait to see if things shake out?
Isn't part of being married years of turmoil balanced by years of bliss?  Then maybe you need this time so it can swing back the other way?
You need need more therapy than you are getting.  You are doing just fine, just don't stop.
If we can make it through this, things would be amazing forever, I just know it.
If we can find our way here, we will be protected from so many other challenges that will likely come.  This is a test of our mettle and strength as a family, if we can do this I can see my way through everything else.
Perhaps this is your biggest test yet to see what you are really made of and what really counts, really getting to the meat of things and shucking all the petty bullshit, you big whiner.
But I am sooooooo tired and mentally frayed I don't think I have it in me.  Then this is the time you need to power up the most you ever have then.


Wow, quite the therapy session right there huh?  Writing seems to answer my own questions, so I think I will just keep doing it and see where it gets me.  I'll keep you posted.  Get it?  Keep you posted........